Good Days and Bad Days

January. Need I say more? It's just not my favorite month. Holidays and birthdays have come to an end. It's cold. We have terrible air quality due to inversion. Money is always tight. I'm pale and usually carrying an extra few pounds.

I have been thinking a lot about last year. I had 2 pregnancy losses. Both pregnancy losses had their complications and seemed to drag out for weeks and months. A year ago I was pregnant and getting ready for Liam's heart surgery. It's hard to believe that it's been that long. And yet it feels like ages ago because so many days last year seemed to never end.

And then somehow I emerged from my dark place. Happiness slowly crept in. A genuine laugh here and there. Moments when I couldn't stop smiling. The dawning realization that I went through 3 of the hardest trials in my life and was still able to function and be happy. Overwhelming gratitude to the friends who literally pulled me out of bed or sometimes sat with me and cried, saying nothing at all. Friends who showed up and made sure I ate, that we ate. I am so blessed to have friends that are really more than that. They are like sisters.

So after days, then weeks, of going along just fine, I thought those days were far behind me. I was surprised that as I sat at the kitchen table with my 2 youngest children this morning watching the snow fall, hot chocolate in hand, that I was overcome with sadness. I think I have changed quite a bit since last year. I wouldn't say I'm a broken woman, but I feel older, heavier, more tired, with a twinge of sadness that forever lingers.

I still don't understand why things happen the way they do. I think what frustrates me the most about today is the self doubt that came crashing down upon me. I honestly feel like such a failure. I second guess myself all the time. I am my own worst critic. While I know that I am doing the best I can, I just don't feel like I ever measure up. Where I lack answers I try to find something I did wrong. Such a terrible thing. If I heard someone talk to another person the way I talk to myself, I would probably intervene.

Maybe today is just a bad day. I realize that you never get over losses. I think you absorb them and carry them with you forever. Sometimes it's like a background noise and other times they are right in front of your face and you can see nothing else.