When it Rains it Pours

When it rains it pours. So cliche, yet so true. I think it to myself all the time. Our dryer died in the middle of a load of kids' clothes on Saturday morning. To not have a dryer working in the winter when you have 5 kids is just a nightmare. Today our desktop computer died. The blue screen of death appeared and now I can't get anything to work on the computer after I restarted it. All of our pictures are on there, which is all I really care about. Of course I didn't back them up or print them. 2 drawers in our kitchen broke and one bathroom cabinet drawer in the kids bathroom broke too. Sometimes I look around my house at everything that is breaking and I am completely overwhelmed. I know all of these things are just that, Things. But when I look at all the medical bills and just how expensive it is in general to support a large family.... the one thing that could fix all of this is the one thing I don't have. Money. They say count your blessings and be grateful in all circumstances. They say it will all work out. I have done these things and sometimes it doesn't work out. We started this year debt free. We had a good amount in our savings account and a little in our Money Market. Now we have credit card debt, a car payment, because David's car died just shy of 300,00 miles, and not a dollar to our name in any savings account. I'm scared. My kids want to put up the Christmas tree. I want to hide. I can't give them anything on their lists this year. I feel like a failure of a mother. My 11 year old can see I am at the end of my rope today. He gathered up his younger brothers and sisters and turned on a Christmas movie and said that I needed some time alone. I decided to blog and get all of these feelings out of me. They say focus on the Savior and the true meaning of Christmas and that it will be the best Christmas ever. Really? I'm not so sure. When you have no money, And I mean I do not know how I will make it to the next week because I have exhausted every resource. How can you be totally grateful and happy? We have been good people and done all that we are supposed to, and it's never enough. We are losing an uphill battle. I don't know what to do. I know things don't matter, but I wonder if the people who say that have really been down to literally their last dollar.

The Weather

Every morning when my kids wake up they come to my room. First they say "good morning",  and then they ask me what the weather will be like for the day. This morning, David was in charge. They didn't come in our room and I had a some time for myself. Out of pure habit once I was ready to get up for the day, I checked my phone to see what the weather would be. It was something like 32 degrees with a real feel of 28 degrees, intermittent clouds, and a 25% chance of precipitation. It made me smile that the weather could be so fitting for the mood I seemed to be in. On the outside I appeared one way, but felt a little cooler/sadder on the inside, and I figured that there was a pretty good chance I would cry. I didn't want to go to church this morning, as terrible as that sounds. It's funny how that is sometimes, at least for me. When you're struggling church is the one place you should want to go and yet sometimes I find it hard to go when I am having a hard time. I wanted to stay in my pajamas, in my bed, wrapped in my comforter for the day. I got all 5 kids ready for church, still not dressed myself. It was 12:44 pm, church starts at 1:00 pm. I forced myself to put on my makeup and get dressed for church. We were late and took the sacrament in the foyer. If you ask my kids, the worst part about being late is sitting in the back on the hard chairs. After Sacrament was over, "it" happened. A friend and neighbor for almost 8 years was suddenly sitting beside me. She looked me right in the eyes and sincerely asked how I was doing. My whole facade crumbled instantly. I could not fake it. I am exhausted. I did not have the energy to smile and say that I was fine. I was nothing but real and honest. I cried and told her how I really felt about everything that is going on with our family. She listened. She empathized. So when we finished talking I went to the bathroom to fix my makeup and put that game face back on. Before I made it to Relief Society another friend that I didn't even see coming down the hall, grabbed my arm and sincerely asked how I was doing. I cried again. I have been a hot mess all day long. It's like the floodgates have opened. And maybe that's ok. I have realized that the whole "fake it 'til you make it" attitude is pretty lame. I know that trials are like buses- there's always another one coming. Life will always be busy, wonderful, sad, stressful, funny, and everything else in between. So it's probably better to just be real. I like it when other people are real with me. Nobody wants a Stepford Wife for a friend, right?

Emotional Tug-of-War

My 5 year old son, Liam, has a serious heart condition called Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome. He began seeing a Pediatric Cardiologist in January this year. After the EKG, Echo, Holter Monitoring, and Clinical exam, we learned that he didn't have what we originally thought, ASD, and were then referred to a Pediatric Cardiologist Electrophysiologist. Dr. Gamboa is the nicest specialist/surgeon I have ever met, and believe me when I say that I have met dozens. He cares and he calls us personally to check on Liam. So with Liam's WPW diagnosis we have been thrown into a whole new world with medical terms that are sometimes hard to pronounce and spell and even harder to explain. In a nutshell he has 2 problems: an extra electrical pathway in his heart and a PFO. With this extra pathway Liam has SVT episodes where his heart beats so fast you cannot accurately count the bpm. It is normal for Liam to have a heart rate of 170 bpm doing absolutely nothing. Can you iagine how that would feel? I can't. We are fortunate to have found this problem as early as we have, most kids are not diagnosed until adolescence. This is the kind of syndrome where people will die of sudden death. The doctor warned us several times about the real possibility of sudden death. Liam could go to sleep and not wake up or go into Atrial Fibrillation, which if that starts (the top 2 chambers of his heart beating at over 300 with no time to eject blood) there is nothing in this world that can save him. There is also nothing to prevent atrial fibrillation. So he needs 2 different heart surgeries. However, to have the first and most important surgery you have to be 5 years old and weigh 20 kilograms. Liam barely meets these requirements. If surgery is done to soon, permanent damage is risked to the heart, and he ends up with a pacemaker or dead. If we wait too long we risk sudden death which is always a possibility. I have never in my life, until this moment, had a life or death decision to make. My heart is so heavy. I love this little boy so much, When he has this surgery they will go into his heart, inject medication into his heart to stimulate a SVT episode, find the pathway, reverse the meds and then burn or freeze, depending on its location, this pathway. They will leave him on the table for some time because his heart will try to reopen this pathway or create a new one, that's just part of his syndrome and if that happens, which it probably will they repeat the whole process. He will stay in the hospital post-op, for how long depends on the surgery. The first 3 months post-op are the most critical. Once the surgery is deemed successful he will have a second surgery to close a hole in his heart, a PFO. And then for the rest of his life he will see a Cardiologist. He could end up repeating ablation many times, end up with a pacemaker, and/or be put on medication. When he has episodes now, we use vagral methods to slow his heart, which have worked so far. If he ever has heart rate 200 or above for 20 minutes, we call 911. I had a meeting with his elementary school about his condition and what to do if Liam says that his, "heart isn't taking any breaks". A conference room full of people who have contact with Liam, Kindergarten team, Speech Therapist, PE teacher, school nurse, principal, and office staff, listening to me while I spoke and showed them diagrams. They have handled his episodes amazingly well. He is in good hands there.

But the emotional tug-of-war, is real. I am overwhelmed, sad, stressed to the max, worried, frustrated, and many other things depending on the moment. But I am grateful beyond description for knowledgeable and caring doctors and the technology and safe medical practices that we have available here. I go back and forth between these 2 sets of emotions. Sometimes I am ok and sometimes I am not. I totally fake it. I have an extremely difficult time letting people in and confiding. I smile and pretend that everything is fine and we are so lucky and blessed, and we are, it's just that I don't feel only that way all the time. We have had many surgeries and trials of health and I worry that people have labeled us as "people with sick kids". I have been told supportive things and mean things. Once after a very difficult pregnancy loss a neighbor actually said, "Maybe if you were a better mom God would not have taken your baby away".  I was speechless. How could someone think like that, let alone say it out loud? There are many "before and "after" moments in your life and that pregnancy loss was a defining moment in my life. And unfortunately no matter how many wonderful people have come into my life, that one stupid comment has haunted me. I second guess myself all the time. I look at Facebook and see everything that I am not. I tend to keep to myself which is painfully lonely sometimes. Life is so hard, harder than I ever could have imagined. Someone recently said, "you haven't learned what you were supposed to learn, that is why you keep having these trials." Really? I think our mortal bodies are imperfect and we get sick. I don't think my Heavenly Father is punishing me for not "getting" some lesson by making my kids sick or have syndromes. I know that people mean well. But off remarks that try to rationalize and make sense of things hurt, they don't help. I will gladly take a hug any day or just a sincere "how are you today?".

Time to Blog Again

It has been over 3 years since my last blog post. We have had another child and life seems to speed up and get busier everyday. I think I have relied too much on other social media sites to keep track and make note of the events in our lives. But I don't write anymore. As I have begun to dive into family history I have realized how important it is to write as much as possible down. Since I don't journal anymore, my hand cramps when I hand write too much so I think I will start to blog again. I know how special I find my family members' personal histories. I think one day, perhaps, my children and grandchildren might want to read about me.

I am 35 this year. It was not an easy birthday. I had a lot of plans, dreams, and ideas. Life has definitely taken some turns in the road. I think I am living on Plan C by now. I thought I would have it all figured out by the ripe old age of 35. It's only now I realize that I was mistaken. I still have a lot to learn. What I do know is that I love being a mother beyond all description. I am a night owl. I go to bed wide awake every night with thoughts racing through my mind, and therefore wake up tired. My days are busy with 5 children tugging at my pants and always needing something. I clean up more spills and pick up more toys than I could have ever imagined. We have a lot of health trials. But there are 2 things that have been made crystal clear to me this year. I am blessed. How fortunate am I to live in the land of the free. How fortunate am I to have a house to clean, clothes to wear, food to eat, and toys for my children. Trials of health are the most difficult to bear and this is why so many miracles that our Savior performed centered around healing. So I know that through the refiner's fire the Savior is well aware of those sufferings because He has suffered them all.