The Weather

Every morning when my kids wake up they come to my room. First they say "good morning",  and then they ask me what the weather will be like for the day. This morning, David was in charge. They didn't come in our room and I had a some time for myself. Out of pure habit once I was ready to get up for the day, I checked my phone to see what the weather would be. It was something like 32 degrees with a real feel of 28 degrees, intermittent clouds, and a 25% chance of precipitation. It made me smile that the weather could be so fitting for the mood I seemed to be in. On the outside I appeared one way, but felt a little cooler/sadder on the inside, and I figured that there was a pretty good chance I would cry. I didn't want to go to church this morning, as terrible as that sounds. It's funny how that is sometimes, at least for me. When you're struggling church is the one place you should want to go and yet sometimes I find it hard to go when I am having a hard time. I wanted to stay in my pajamas, in my bed, wrapped in my comforter for the day. I got all 5 kids ready for church, still not dressed myself. It was 12:44 pm, church starts at 1:00 pm. I forced myself to put on my makeup and get dressed for church. We were late and took the sacrament in the foyer. If you ask my kids, the worst part about being late is sitting in the back on the hard chairs. After Sacrament was over, "it" happened. A friend and neighbor for almost 8 years was suddenly sitting beside me. She looked me right in the eyes and sincerely asked how I was doing. My whole facade crumbled instantly. I could not fake it. I am exhausted. I did not have the energy to smile and say that I was fine. I was nothing but real and honest. I cried and told her how I really felt about everything that is going on with our family. She listened. She empathized. So when we finished talking I went to the bathroom to fix my makeup and put that game face back on. Before I made it to Relief Society another friend that I didn't even see coming down the hall, grabbed my arm and sincerely asked how I was doing. I cried again. I have been a hot mess all day long. It's like the floodgates have opened. And maybe that's ok. I have realized that the whole "fake it 'til you make it" attitude is pretty lame. I know that trials are like buses- there's always another one coming. Life will always be busy, wonderful, sad, stressful, funny, and everything else in between. So it's probably better to just be real. I like it when other people are real with me. Nobody wants a Stepford Wife for a friend, right?