Letting It Go

We went to church today. Aidan went up to sing with the Primary for the last time during Christmas. He is so tall and grown up. Where did all the time go? He is so ready to turn 12 and move into Young Men's. I remember the first time we brought him to church was the Sunday before Christmas in 2003. He had an apnea monitor for 6 months after the NICU because he would just randomly stop breathing. We had made it into the foyer with Aidan for the first time when his monitor alarmed. When the alarm went off it sounded just like a smoke alarm. It was so loud. We never made it into the chapel, but we did get him breathing again, and we had attempted to attend church. So fast forward 11 years later and I am amazed how strong and healthy he is. Aidan is by far my healthiest child now. He is such a deep and critical thinker, smart, kind, and funny. I could not have ever imagined in 2003, when he was born after he coded 20 minutes after birth, how well he would one day be. No matter how much time goes by he will always remain a toddler in my mind. He had chubby hands that always grabbed my face and covered my cheeks in kisses. 

As a parent we look forward to firsts and mile markers so eagerly, that we rarely realize when something happens for the last time. All too soon they gain self sufficiency. One less child to bathe, one less child who needs a bed time story, and 2 less feet underfoot. I think it is harder to let them go little by little to make their choices and find their path then it is to have a little one in constant need. Sometimes you can see what will happen form a choice they make and you have to let them find out for themselves.

When I was a younger and newer parent I was such a stickler for routines and structure. I tried to keep nap times, bedtimes, meal times, bath time, and even play time to their exact times. I felt like I had complete control over how the day would go if I kept to the schedule. The more parenting experience I have gained the more I have realized that I don't have any control. The children we have come with their own unique personalities. They come with their individual needs and trials. 

Today I sang Christmas songs for hymns at church with my little Liam curled up beside me. Tears fell. I have a constant prayer in my heart, pleading really, that he will be ok. Between my fervent pleas over his health and the words of the songs I love so much, I felt as if my heart would burst open.  I don't really have control over much. I think the hardest realization for me has been that I just have to let it go. I do the best that I can and send those prayers up, and whatever is to be will be.