Christmas Perhaps Means a Little Bit More

Last Friday we took our kids up to Temple Square. It was the first night of their Christmas lights. It was a cool night, but not cold. We have been really lucky this December, so far no snow or ice or really freezing temperatures. I have probably jinxed myself by saying that now. It was very crowded. They opened the gates around the temple. I have never seen the gates open around the temple for visitors other than wedding party guests. We took the path less traveled that night and steered away from the reflecting pond and walked right up to the temple. My kids could actually go up to the big wooden doors and touch the beautiful brass handles. I told them to touch the cool, hard granite exterior. I told them how amazing it was that the exterior's stone was carved and bought down from the mountains. I can't even fully comprehend the 44 years it took to build the Salt Lake Temple, more than my lifetime thus far. How many hands had worked so hard to build this wonderful temple? And here my 5 children were with their hands touching this sacred building. As my 9 year old daughter, Seery, stood at the top of the steps to one of the great wooden doors with her hand firmly wrapped around its brass doorknob..... I was overcome with emotion. Never had I felt more strongly the words come alive from one of my favorite primary songs, "I love to see the temple, I'll go inside someday." She will, they all will. My children could feel the Spirit. I could feel the Spirit. I felt happy. I felt time stand still for just a moment. This was a perfect moment.

As we were leaving the temple's grounds we stopped at the crosswalk. I began counting my kids. It is a habit that I cannot quit, especially when we are in crowded areas. My heart stopped as I noticed that Aidan was not right there with us. Thankfully, he came running to my side before I could even say anything to David. I asked him where he had been. He didn't say anything at first, but as David walked across the street towards City Creek with the other 4 kids, we had a few precious minutes to ourselves. I kept asking questions. Aidan finally told me what happened. On our way in to see the lights he noticed a few homeless people. There was one man in particular that stood out to him. Aidan decided that he would think about this man and his needs as he walked through Temple Square. On his way out, he felt he knew just what he should do. Aidan had $2 to his name, that just so happened to be in his pocket. He gave this man his money on his way out, in the hopes that he would be able to buy himself dinner at a place like McDonald's, since they have a $1 menu. I began to tear up as I listened, which of course my son noticed. He told me he did it because he felt he should; it was the right thing to do. He said that he wasn't going to say anything to me because he didn't want anyone to know about it. Well, at this I actually cried. My son noticed a person, perceived their needs, and gave away all the money in his possession in the hopes that it would help and bring comfort without wanting any sort of worldly recognition. It was in this moment that I remembered what Christmas is all about. It was in this moment I snapped out of whatever pity party I had let myself wallow in for too many days. My son reminded me that there is good everywhere. Love abounds. Filling other people's buckets with light is where joy is to be found. If we didn't know sorrow and pain, then we wouldn't know utter joy and true love. My trials have taught me how to be flexible, how to stretch and how to grow. My kids are turning into thoughtful and kind people who seek out ways to serve. I am unsure how far the ripple of effect will be from Aidan's gift to a man he has never met, but I hope the man felt love. Children really are so simple, pure, and trusting. They see people as they really are, as the Savior would see them. I know I felt the Spirit testify to me in that moment talking with my oldest son, that God lives and He loves each and every one of us. If I could have one wish, then it would be for everyone to feel of His love and know that they are of infinite worth. If we all could see ourselves through His eyes, through a child's eyes, I know this world would be a better place.

"Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!” 

― Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

When it Rains it Pours

When it rains it pours. So cliche, yet so true. I think it to myself all the time. Our dryer died in the middle of a load of kids' clothes on Saturday morning. To not have a dryer working in the winter when you have 5 kids is just a nightmare. Today our desktop computer died. The blue screen of death appeared and now I can't get anything to work on the computer after I restarted it. All of our pictures are on there, which is all I really care about. Of course I didn't back them up or print them. 2 drawers in our kitchen broke and one bathroom cabinet drawer in the kids bathroom broke too. Sometimes I look around my house at everything that is breaking and I am completely overwhelmed. I know all of these things are just that, Things. But when I look at all the medical bills and just how expensive it is in general to support a large family.... the one thing that could fix all of this is the one thing I don't have. Money. They say count your blessings and be grateful in all circumstances. They say it will all work out. I have done these things and sometimes it doesn't work out. We started this year debt free. We had a good amount in our savings account and a little in our Money Market. Now we have credit card debt, a car payment, because David's car died just shy of 300,00 miles, and not a dollar to our name in any savings account. I'm scared. My kids want to put up the Christmas tree. I want to hide. I can't give them anything on their lists this year. I feel like a failure of a mother. My 11 year old can see I am at the end of my rope today. He gathered up his younger brothers and sisters and turned on a Christmas movie and said that I needed some time alone. I decided to blog and get all of these feelings out of me. They say focus on the Savior and the true meaning of Christmas and that it will be the best Christmas ever. Really? I'm not so sure. When you have no money, And I mean I do not know how I will make it to the next week because I have exhausted every resource. How can you be totally grateful and happy? We have been good people and done all that we are supposed to, and it's never enough. We are losing an uphill battle. I don't know what to do. I know things don't matter, but I wonder if the people who say that have really been down to literally their last dollar.

The Weather

Every morning when my kids wake up they come to my room. First they say "good morning",  and then they ask me what the weather will be like for the day. This morning, David was in charge. They didn't come in our room and I had a some time for myself. Out of pure habit once I was ready to get up for the day, I checked my phone to see what the weather would be. It was something like 32 degrees with a real feel of 28 degrees, intermittent clouds, and a 25% chance of precipitation. It made me smile that the weather could be so fitting for the mood I seemed to be in. On the outside I appeared one way, but felt a little cooler/sadder on the inside, and I figured that there was a pretty good chance I would cry. I didn't want to go to church this morning, as terrible as that sounds. It's funny how that is sometimes, at least for me. When you're struggling church is the one place you should want to go and yet sometimes I find it hard to go when I am having a hard time. I wanted to stay in my pajamas, in my bed, wrapped in my comforter for the day. I got all 5 kids ready for church, still not dressed myself. It was 12:44 pm, church starts at 1:00 pm. I forced myself to put on my makeup and get dressed for church. We were late and took the sacrament in the foyer. If you ask my kids, the worst part about being late is sitting in the back on the hard chairs. After Sacrament was over, "it" happened. A friend and neighbor for almost 8 years was suddenly sitting beside me. She looked me right in the eyes and sincerely asked how I was doing. My whole facade crumbled instantly. I could not fake it. I am exhausted. I did not have the energy to smile and say that I was fine. I was nothing but real and honest. I cried and told her how I really felt about everything that is going on with our family. She listened. She empathized. So when we finished talking I went to the bathroom to fix my makeup and put that game face back on. Before I made it to Relief Society another friend that I didn't even see coming down the hall, grabbed my arm and sincerely asked how I was doing. I cried again. I have been a hot mess all day long. It's like the floodgates have opened. And maybe that's ok. I have realized that the whole "fake it 'til you make it" attitude is pretty lame. I know that trials are like buses- there's always another one coming. Life will always be busy, wonderful, sad, stressful, funny, and everything else in between. So it's probably better to just be real. I like it when other people are real with me. Nobody wants a Stepford Wife for a friend, right?

Emotional Tug-of-War

My 5 year old son, Liam, has a serious heart condition called Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome. He began seeing a Pediatric Cardiologist in January this year. After the EKG, Echo, Holter Monitoring, and Clinical exam, we learned that he didn't have what we originally thought, ASD, and were then referred to a Pediatric Cardiologist Electrophysiologist. Dr. Gamboa is the nicest specialist/surgeon I have ever met, and believe me when I say that I have met dozens. He cares and he calls us personally to check on Liam. So with Liam's WPW diagnosis we have been thrown into a whole new world with medical terms that are sometimes hard to pronounce and spell and even harder to explain. In a nutshell he has 2 problems: an extra electrical pathway in his heart and a PFO. With this extra pathway Liam has SVT episodes where his heart beats so fast you cannot accurately count the bpm. It is normal for Liam to have a heart rate of 170 bpm doing absolutely nothing. Can you iagine how that would feel? I can't. We are fortunate to have found this problem as early as we have, most kids are not diagnosed until adolescence. This is the kind of syndrome where people will die of sudden death. The doctor warned us several times about the real possibility of sudden death. Liam could go to sleep and not wake up or go into Atrial Fibrillation, which if that starts (the top 2 chambers of his heart beating at over 300 with no time to eject blood) there is nothing in this world that can save him. There is also nothing to prevent atrial fibrillation. So he needs 2 different heart surgeries. However, to have the first and most important surgery you have to be 5 years old and weigh 20 kilograms. Liam barely meets these requirements. If surgery is done to soon, permanent damage is risked to the heart, and he ends up with a pacemaker or dead. If we wait too long we risk sudden death which is always a possibility. I have never in my life, until this moment, had a life or death decision to make. My heart is so heavy. I love this little boy so much, When he has this surgery they will go into his heart, inject medication into his heart to stimulate a SVT episode, find the pathway, reverse the meds and then burn or freeze, depending on its location, this pathway. They will leave him on the table for some time because his heart will try to reopen this pathway or create a new one, that's just part of his syndrome and if that happens, which it probably will they repeat the whole process. He will stay in the hospital post-op, for how long depends on the surgery. The first 3 months post-op are the most critical. Once the surgery is deemed successful he will have a second surgery to close a hole in his heart, a PFO. And then for the rest of his life he will see a Cardiologist. He could end up repeating ablation many times, end up with a pacemaker, and/or be put on medication. When he has episodes now, we use vagral methods to slow his heart, which have worked so far. If he ever has heart rate 200 or above for 20 minutes, we call 911. I had a meeting with his elementary school about his condition and what to do if Liam says that his, "heart isn't taking any breaks". A conference room full of people who have contact with Liam, Kindergarten team, Speech Therapist, PE teacher, school nurse, principal, and office staff, listening to me while I spoke and showed them diagrams. They have handled his episodes amazingly well. He is in good hands there.

But the emotional tug-of-war, is real. I am overwhelmed, sad, stressed to the max, worried, frustrated, and many other things depending on the moment. But I am grateful beyond description for knowledgeable and caring doctors and the technology and safe medical practices that we have available here. I go back and forth between these 2 sets of emotions. Sometimes I am ok and sometimes I am not. I totally fake it. I have an extremely difficult time letting people in and confiding. I smile and pretend that everything is fine and we are so lucky and blessed, and we are, it's just that I don't feel only that way all the time. We have had many surgeries and trials of health and I worry that people have labeled us as "people with sick kids". I have been told supportive things and mean things. Once after a very difficult pregnancy loss a neighbor actually said, "Maybe if you were a better mom God would not have taken your baby away".  I was speechless. How could someone think like that, let alone say it out loud? There are many "before and "after" moments in your life and that pregnancy loss was a defining moment in my life. And unfortunately no matter how many wonderful people have come into my life, that one stupid comment has haunted me. I second guess myself all the time. I look at Facebook and see everything that I am not. I tend to keep to myself which is painfully lonely sometimes. Life is so hard, harder than I ever could have imagined. Someone recently said, "you haven't learned what you were supposed to learn, that is why you keep having these trials." Really? I think our mortal bodies are imperfect and we get sick. I don't think my Heavenly Father is punishing me for not "getting" some lesson by making my kids sick or have syndromes. I know that people mean well. But off remarks that try to rationalize and make sense of things hurt, they don't help. I will gladly take a hug any day or just a sincere "how are you today?".

Time to Blog Again

It has been over 3 years since my last blog post. We have had another child and life seems to speed up and get busier everyday. I think I have relied too much on other social media sites to keep track and make note of the events in our lives. But I don't write anymore. As I have begun to dive into family history I have realized how important it is to write as much as possible down. Since I don't journal anymore, my hand cramps when I hand write too much so I think I will start to blog again. I know how special I find my family members' personal histories. I think one day, perhaps, my children and grandchildren might want to read about me.

I am 35 this year. It was not an easy birthday. I had a lot of plans, dreams, and ideas. Life has definitely taken some turns in the road. I think I am living on Plan C by now. I thought I would have it all figured out by the ripe old age of 35. It's only now I realize that I was mistaken. I still have a lot to learn. What I do know is that I love being a mother beyond all description. I am a night owl. I go to bed wide awake every night with thoughts racing through my mind, and therefore wake up tired. My days are busy with 5 children tugging at my pants and always needing something. I clean up more spills and pick up more toys than I could have ever imagined. We have a lot of health trials. But there are 2 things that have been made crystal clear to me this year. I am blessed. How fortunate am I to live in the land of the free. How fortunate am I to have a house to clean, clothes to wear, food to eat, and toys for my children. Trials of health are the most difficult to bear and this is why so many miracles that our Savior performed centered around healing. So I know that through the refiner's fire the Savior is well aware of those sufferings because He has suffered them all.

The Time Has Come...

I can't believe my little girl is old enough for Kindergarten! It feels like yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital. I will never forget that my daughter was dancing before she was walking. She is such a delight. I admire her confidence. Seery is such a wonderful sister and help to me. She has a larger than life personality that fills our home with energy, smiles, and laughter. And the day finally arrived that she will go to school everyday. Time really does go by quickly. She got her haircut yesterday. She has decided to keep it short because "everyone says I'm so cute with short hair". She wore a new purple dress from Aunt Kristin with sandals. Her nails were painted pink with sparkles. She was ready. I drove her to school. She goes in the afternoon to Saratoga Spring's new school, Thunder Ridge Elementary. Her teacher is Mrs. Crockett. She walked right into class, hung her backpack, found her name tag and I helped pin it on her dress, and she sat at her desk to read a book. She hugged me goodbye and flashed her confident smile. I knew she was excited and would be fine. I, on the other hand, shed a few tears. Thank goodness Kindergarten is only a half day, I'm not ready to part with her for a whole day yet.

(The pictures above were her homework to bring to class today.)

Lunch Conversation

Seery: "When I'm married and go on dates you will have to watch my kids."
Me: "What if you move away and don't live by me?"
Seery: "Well my husband is going to get a job in Hawaii. So I'll have to move there. But don't worry I'm going to give you $100 so you can move there too!"

Time to Go

Yesterday, I said to the kids "It's time to go take Seery to school." I put the baby in the car and turn to find Liam ready to go alright. He decided to wear my shoes and grab one of my purses. He put his toy cell phone and sippy cup with water in the purse. (I never leave the house without my cell phone and a bottle of water in my purse) I have been told that "immitation is the highest form of flattery". I'll take it.

Happy Groundhog's Day!

Phil the Groundhog did not see his shadow today! He has predicted an early Spring which rarely happens. We will see... it is hard to believe with the Arctic front we are experiencing! Anyways, I love to celebrate every single holiday. It's fun how excited my kids get on each holiday, no matter how small. I adore my kids' artwork, but more importantly I love to see their proud look when they have created something.

Made My Day

I have been trying to catch up on all the cleaning, laundry, and organizing this house needs. And if you know how much time we have been spending in hospitals and doctor's offices these past few months you can probably imagine what an undertaking this is at the moment. So lately I have felt overwhelmed, to say the least. I felt like I was going to cry while vacuuming one day. I began taking cushions off the couch and chairs to vacuum those too. Under a chair cushion I found this drawing by Aidan of Buzz Lightyear and Woody. Seeing this picture just made me smile. And just like that my day was a little brighter. It doesn't take much to bring happiness. If there is one thing I have learned through these difficult times it is to stop and enjoy the smallest of things.