Wash, Rinse, Repeat

The other day I was tackling laundry. It never ends. And seriously, where do all those missing socks go? Every now and again it hits me how monotonous it can get being a stay-at-home mom. I wash the same clothes and dishes, clean the same rooms, and prepare the same meals over and over. 

I think the Winter months in Utah are particularly hard. When it's too cold, icy, or it's snowing; you're often stuck indoors. So days will pass when I don't talk to anyone besides my kids and my husband. Sometimes by the end of the day when we get everything done and the kids in bed David and I are just so tired that we crash for the night.

I miss the days when we were newly married. We lived in apartment, easy and fast to clean. We didn't have to worry about home maintenance. I only did laundry once a week. We had 1 or 2 small children with no school schedules or extra curricular activities to keep track of. If you wanted to go to St. George in the middle of the week and David had vacation, we could totally be spontaneous and just get in the car and go. We had 1 cell phone that we didn't really use. We didn't text, we didn't Facebook, or Instagram. Truthfully, there was a time we didn't even have a computer, so we hardly emailed. To some degree life was easier.

I miss the simplicity of that special time. I felt present in the moments. I didn't worry as much. I actually talked to friends more. I was more carefree. I wouldn't change the course my life took. I am grateful for each of my children. I just wish that simplicity could have continued forever.

The First Mistake

As a parent you find yourself saying things that you never imagined you could possibly say. You also hear things that you could never have imagined in your wildest dreams.

There is also something about getting in the shower when you have young children. You think you have kids settled down for naps, quiet time, play time, or maybe a movie. That moment when you first step in the steamy shower is so heavenly. You take a big breath. Finally a moment to yourself. And as quickly as you had that thought, something always happens. The baby wakes up, the phone starts ringing, 2 or more kids start fighting. In my case, it's often all of those things. All too often before you have even rinsed the shampoo out of your hair, someone is inevitably in the bathroom. You knew they were coming you heard all that screaming along with thudding footsteps running up the stairs. The heavenly shower is officially over and you scramble to get out quickly. If I'm lucky, I will be in my robe before someone bursts through the bathroom door.

Today was no exception. I heard 3 kids running up the stairs with tales of woe "He did..." and "She did..." and "MOM!!!!" I shouted that I would be out of the bathroom in just a minute. So as soon as I emerged, I asked what in the world had happened in the last few minutes. My oldest daughter was the first to try and explain. "Well, we were playing Hunger Games...". I told her that I was going to have to stop her right there. Clearly I had recognized my first mistake, I let the older 2 read the first 2 books and watch the first 2 movies. I mentally face palmed myself.

Letting It Go

We went to church today. Aidan went up to sing with the Primary for the last time during Christmas. He is so tall and grown up. Where did all the time go? He is so ready to turn 12 and move into Young Men's. I remember the first time we brought him to church was the Sunday before Christmas in 2003. He had an apnea monitor for 6 months after the NICU because he would just randomly stop breathing. We had made it into the foyer with Aidan for the first time when his monitor alarmed. When the alarm went off it sounded just like a smoke alarm. It was so loud. We never made it into the chapel, but we did get him breathing again, and we had attempted to attend church. So fast forward 11 years later and I am amazed how strong and healthy he is. Aidan is by far my healthiest child now. He is such a deep and critical thinker, smart, kind, and funny. I could not have ever imagined in 2003, when he was born after he coded 20 minutes after birth, how well he would one day be. No matter how much time goes by he will always remain a toddler in my mind. He had chubby hands that always grabbed my face and covered my cheeks in kisses. 

As a parent we look forward to firsts and mile markers so eagerly, that we rarely realize when something happens for the last time. All too soon they gain self sufficiency. One less child to bathe, one less child who needs a bed time story, and 2 less feet underfoot. I think it is harder to let them go little by little to make their choices and find their path then it is to have a little one in constant need. Sometimes you can see what will happen form a choice they make and you have to let them find out for themselves.

When I was a younger and newer parent I was such a stickler for routines and structure. I tried to keep nap times, bedtimes, meal times, bath time, and even play time to their exact times. I felt like I had complete control over how the day would go if I kept to the schedule. The more parenting experience I have gained the more I have realized that I don't have any control. The children we have come with their own unique personalities. They come with their individual needs and trials. 

Today I sang Christmas songs for hymns at church with my little Liam curled up beside me. Tears fell. I have a constant prayer in my heart, pleading really, that he will be ok. Between my fervent pleas over his health and the words of the songs I love so much, I felt as if my heart would burst open.  I don't really have control over much. I think the hardest realization for me has been that I just have to let it go. I do the best that I can and send those prayers up, and whatever is to be will be.

I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

You win some, you lose some. Today kicked my trash. If only I had 3 phones. I was fighting with my health insurance on my cell phone and a hospital on my landline. Go ahead and deny claims before Christmas, Blue Cross, that's exactly what I hoped would happen.

We're having issues with Liam's monitor. Apparently the night shift people are less than stellar and cannot perform basic trouble shooting. He's 6 and could die suddenly, that's cool, no worries. I'll just call back in the morning and talk to someone different.

I don't know what it is about Christmas. I totally feel the Spirit and see the good, but at the same time everything is going wrong. I feel happy and cry tears of gratitude. I feel angry and I cry out of frustration. This month has been filled with the highest of highs and lowest of lows. I feel like I am taking crazy pills sometimes.


There is so much to do and I feel like I am struggling to keep afloat doing the things that have to be done. I haven't baked a single cookie. I don't have stocking stuffers. I only ordered Christmas presents off of Amazon on Tuesday,so all of that just arrived and needs to be wrapped. Never mind all the menu planning, grocery shopping, and cooking. I don't do Elf on the Shelf. My kids remind me of this everyday. I don't have time for that, but I wish that I did. I could rock that.

We took our kids out to the zoo on Monday night for Christmas lights. It was really cold. My baby hasn't been the same since. He is fevering and sick. His breathing sounds tight and his famous bark is louder. With his trachea being compressed by his innominate artery, when he gets an upper respiratory infection, he has to be hospitalized. I can't spend time in the hospital with a sick baby. That could very well be my snapping point.

My son told me that he would prefer to "hitch a ride home with Brother ***** because his car is all leather and cool and only has 4 seats". He drives a Mercedes or BMW, I can't remember which. That did it for me. I could no longer keep the tears at bay. I just can't fight this feeling anymore.... I forgot what I started fighting for....

So tomorrow will be a new day. We'll see what it brings. I have several Diet Cokes chilling in the fridge. I plan on downing 2 of them before 10 am.

Take Time to Enjoy the View

I admit that I am a hoarder of sorts. I hoard pictures. I take pictures all the time. I don't even like erasing my memory cards, just in case something goes wrong with our computers. I haven't printed pictures as often as I should and thought of printing 10,000 pictures or doing some kind of kind of digital scrapbook overwhelms me. So I have a lot of memory cards.

But I take pictures almost daily of something because they help me. Everyday I find something that I am grateful for, that I think is cute, that I think is funny, or whatever the reason du jour may be. When I take a picture it makes me pause from whatever else is going around me. It makes me really notice my kids and the world around me. I stop and think to myself things like: I'm lucky, I'm blessed, I'm happy. When I do this, time freezes if only for a few seconds, and I realize what life is all about. (Right now the words to the song, "In My Daughter's Eyes" are going through my mind.) And those pictures I take by the dozens and hold on to get me through the tough times. Those pictures are fleeting moments of perfection where time stood still and I paid attention.

It's interesting how many of us post pictures on social media sites of only our best moments, but I get it. There's a story in between each of those pictures that plays out which many don't know of or see. Those best moments I post in pictures are what gets me through all of the trials. I remember when I look through all those pictures..... it won't always be this way for good or for bad, so take a moment and remember everyday that there is always something to appreciate.

Special Delivery

I got home yesterday evening after a long doctor's appointment with my 6 year old, Liam. His heart is too small to safely do the surgery he so desperately needs. Crazy, right? They can do open heart surgery on a newborn and yet the procedure he needs to have done is too risky for his heart size. We need more time. It's such a gamble. Do the procedure too soon, you risk death. And everyday that we wait we risk sudden death.

I do not sleep well at night anymore. Last night I took half  of a sleeping pill and still sleep eluded me. I have a permanent migraine. I cannot turn off the anxiety, the questions, the worry. I feel like if we do it too soon, it will be my fault. If we wait too long, it will be my fault. This of course is not true. But, I have to have control of things to make me feel sane and normal. And this one... is in God's hands. I can scarcely handle that this is what it is. I have no control. All I can do is take care of my son and pray. And then pray some more.

To buy us some time he will be wearing an event monitor 24 hours a day for the next month. This is legit, it comes with a cell phone so the monitoring company and doctor can reach us at all times. The Cardiologist let me know we will be talking a lot. Then we will start Liam on a beta blocker twice a day to slow his AV Node. Hopefully all of this will let his little heart grow so this amazing surgeon can get in there and fix it.

As I pulled into my garage last night, UPS pulled up. The man came into my garage and handed me our special little package. All of Liam's heart monitoring equipment. Sometimes the reality and weight of this situation comes crashing down on me like a ton of bricks.

When I was younger I loved amusement parks and their super fast, twisting, turning, dropping, upside down thriller rides. I hate them now. I feel like my reality gives me that sinking, dropping feeling in the pit of my stomach everyday. My life is a roller coaster with its ups and downs, twists and turns. I don't need a roller coaster for the thrill anymore. Just living gives me that. I remind myself every day that I wake up that life isn't just to be endured; it is to be enjoyed. Some days I find it easier to enjoy than others. But I always thank my Heavenly Father for allowing me the gift of the ride.

Christmas Perhaps Means a Little Bit More

Last Friday we took our kids up to Temple Square. It was the first night of their Christmas lights. It was a cool night, but not cold. We have been really lucky this December, so far no snow or ice or really freezing temperatures. I have probably jinxed myself by saying that now. It was very crowded. They opened the gates around the temple. I have never seen the gates open around the temple for visitors other than wedding party guests. We took the path less traveled that night and steered away from the reflecting pond and walked right up to the temple. My kids could actually go up to the big wooden doors and touch the beautiful brass handles. I told them to touch the cool, hard granite exterior. I told them how amazing it was that the exterior's stone was carved and bought down from the mountains. I can't even fully comprehend the 44 years it took to build the Salt Lake Temple, more than my lifetime thus far. How many hands had worked so hard to build this wonderful temple? And here my 5 children were with their hands touching this sacred building. As my 9 year old daughter, Seery, stood at the top of the steps to one of the great wooden doors with her hand firmly wrapped around its brass doorknob..... I was overcome with emotion. Never had I felt more strongly the words come alive from one of my favorite primary songs, "I love to see the temple, I'll go inside someday." She will, they all will. My children could feel the Spirit. I could feel the Spirit. I felt happy. I felt time stand still for just a moment. This was a perfect moment.

As we were leaving the temple's grounds we stopped at the crosswalk. I began counting my kids. It is a habit that I cannot quit, especially when we are in crowded areas. My heart stopped as I noticed that Aidan was not right there with us. Thankfully, he came running to my side before I could even say anything to David. I asked him where he had been. He didn't say anything at first, but as David walked across the street towards City Creek with the other 4 kids, we had a few precious minutes to ourselves. I kept asking questions. Aidan finally told me what happened. On our way in to see the lights he noticed a few homeless people. There was one man in particular that stood out to him. Aidan decided that he would think about this man and his needs as he walked through Temple Square. On his way out, he felt he knew just what he should do. Aidan had $2 to his name, that just so happened to be in his pocket. He gave this man his money on his way out, in the hopes that he would be able to buy himself dinner at a place like McDonald's, since they have a $1 menu. I began to tear up as I listened, which of course my son noticed. He told me he did it because he felt he should; it was the right thing to do. He said that he wasn't going to say anything to me because he didn't want anyone to know about it. Well, at this I actually cried. My son noticed a person, perceived their needs, and gave away all the money in his possession in the hopes that it would help and bring comfort without wanting any sort of worldly recognition. It was in this moment that I remembered what Christmas is all about. It was in this moment I snapped out of whatever pity party I had let myself wallow in for too many days. My son reminded me that there is good everywhere. Love abounds. Filling other people's buckets with light is where joy is to be found. If we didn't know sorrow and pain, then we wouldn't know utter joy and true love. My trials have taught me how to be flexible, how to stretch and how to grow. My kids are turning into thoughtful and kind people who seek out ways to serve. I am unsure how far the ripple of effect will be from Aidan's gift to a man he has never met, but I hope the man felt love. Children really are so simple, pure, and trusting. They see people as they really are, as the Savior would see them. I know I felt the Spirit testify to me in that moment talking with my oldest son, that God lives and He loves each and every one of us. If I could have one wish, then it would be for everyone to feel of His love and know that they are of infinite worth. If we all could see ourselves through His eyes, through a child's eyes, I know this world would be a better place.

"Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!” 

― Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

When it Rains it Pours

When it rains it pours. So cliche, yet so true. I think it to myself all the time. Our dryer died in the middle of a load of kids' clothes on Saturday morning. To not have a dryer working in the winter when you have 5 kids is just a nightmare. Today our desktop computer died. The blue screen of death appeared and now I can't get anything to work on the computer after I restarted it. All of our pictures are on there, which is all I really care about. Of course I didn't back them up or print them. 2 drawers in our kitchen broke and one bathroom cabinet drawer in the kids bathroom broke too. Sometimes I look around my house at everything that is breaking and I am completely overwhelmed. I know all of these things are just that, Things. But when I look at all the medical bills and just how expensive it is in general to support a large family.... the one thing that could fix all of this is the one thing I don't have. Money. They say count your blessings and be grateful in all circumstances. They say it will all work out. I have done these things and sometimes it doesn't work out. We started this year debt free. We had a good amount in our savings account and a little in our Money Market. Now we have credit card debt, a car payment, because David's car died just shy of 300,00 miles, and not a dollar to our name in any savings account. I'm scared. My kids want to put up the Christmas tree. I want to hide. I can't give them anything on their lists this year. I feel like a failure of a mother. My 11 year old can see I am at the end of my rope today. He gathered up his younger brothers and sisters and turned on a Christmas movie and said that I needed some time alone. I decided to blog and get all of these feelings out of me. They say focus on the Savior and the true meaning of Christmas and that it will be the best Christmas ever. Really? I'm not so sure. When you have no money, And I mean I do not know how I will make it to the next week because I have exhausted every resource. How can you be totally grateful and happy? We have been good people and done all that we are supposed to, and it's never enough. We are losing an uphill battle. I don't know what to do. I know things don't matter, but I wonder if the people who say that have really been down to literally their last dollar.

The Weather

Every morning when my kids wake up they come to my room. First they say "good morning",  and then they ask me what the weather will be like for the day. This morning, David was in charge. They didn't come in our room and I had a some time for myself. Out of pure habit once I was ready to get up for the day, I checked my phone to see what the weather would be. It was something like 32 degrees with a real feel of 28 degrees, intermittent clouds, and a 25% chance of precipitation. It made me smile that the weather could be so fitting for the mood I seemed to be in. On the outside I appeared one way, but felt a little cooler/sadder on the inside, and I figured that there was a pretty good chance I would cry. I didn't want to go to church this morning, as terrible as that sounds. It's funny how that is sometimes, at least for me. When you're struggling church is the one place you should want to go and yet sometimes I find it hard to go when I am having a hard time. I wanted to stay in my pajamas, in my bed, wrapped in my comforter for the day. I got all 5 kids ready for church, still not dressed myself. It was 12:44 pm, church starts at 1:00 pm. I forced myself to put on my makeup and get dressed for church. We were late and took the sacrament in the foyer. If you ask my kids, the worst part about being late is sitting in the back on the hard chairs. After Sacrament was over, "it" happened. A friend and neighbor for almost 8 years was suddenly sitting beside me. She looked me right in the eyes and sincerely asked how I was doing. My whole facade crumbled instantly. I could not fake it. I am exhausted. I did not have the energy to smile and say that I was fine. I was nothing but real and honest. I cried and told her how I really felt about everything that is going on with our family. She listened. She empathized. So when we finished talking I went to the bathroom to fix my makeup and put that game face back on. Before I made it to Relief Society another friend that I didn't even see coming down the hall, grabbed my arm and sincerely asked how I was doing. I cried again. I have been a hot mess all day long. It's like the floodgates have opened. And maybe that's ok. I have realized that the whole "fake it 'til you make it" attitude is pretty lame. I know that trials are like buses- there's always another one coming. Life will always be busy, wonderful, sad, stressful, funny, and everything else in between. So it's probably better to just be real. I like it when other people are real with me. Nobody wants a Stepford Wife for a friend, right?

Emotional Tug-of-War

My 5 year old son, Liam, has a serious heart condition called Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome. He began seeing a Pediatric Cardiologist in January this year. After the EKG, Echo, Holter Monitoring, and Clinical exam, we learned that he didn't have what we originally thought, ASD, and were then referred to a Pediatric Cardiologist Electrophysiologist. Dr. Gamboa is the nicest specialist/surgeon I have ever met, and believe me when I say that I have met dozens. He cares and he calls us personally to check on Liam. So with Liam's WPW diagnosis we have been thrown into a whole new world with medical terms that are sometimes hard to pronounce and spell and even harder to explain. In a nutshell he has 2 problems: an extra electrical pathway in his heart and a PFO. With this extra pathway Liam has SVT episodes where his heart beats so fast you cannot accurately count the bpm. It is normal for Liam to have a heart rate of 170 bpm doing absolutely nothing. Can you iagine how that would feel? I can't. We are fortunate to have found this problem as early as we have, most kids are not diagnosed until adolescence. This is the kind of syndrome where people will die of sudden death. The doctor warned us several times about the real possibility of sudden death. Liam could go to sleep and not wake up or go into Atrial Fibrillation, which if that starts (the top 2 chambers of his heart beating at over 300 with no time to eject blood) there is nothing in this world that can save him. There is also nothing to prevent atrial fibrillation. So he needs 2 different heart surgeries. However, to have the first and most important surgery you have to be 5 years old and weigh 20 kilograms. Liam barely meets these requirements. If surgery is done to soon, permanent damage is risked to the heart, and he ends up with a pacemaker or dead. If we wait too long we risk sudden death which is always a possibility. I have never in my life, until this moment, had a life or death decision to make. My heart is so heavy. I love this little boy so much, When he has this surgery they will go into his heart, inject medication into his heart to stimulate a SVT episode, find the pathway, reverse the meds and then burn or freeze, depending on its location, this pathway. They will leave him on the table for some time because his heart will try to reopen this pathway or create a new one, that's just part of his syndrome and if that happens, which it probably will they repeat the whole process. He will stay in the hospital post-op, for how long depends on the surgery. The first 3 months post-op are the most critical. Once the surgery is deemed successful he will have a second surgery to close a hole in his heart, a PFO. And then for the rest of his life he will see a Cardiologist. He could end up repeating ablation many times, end up with a pacemaker, and/or be put on medication. When he has episodes now, we use vagral methods to slow his heart, which have worked so far. If he ever has heart rate 200 or above for 20 minutes, we call 911. I had a meeting with his elementary school about his condition and what to do if Liam says that his, "heart isn't taking any breaks". A conference room full of people who have contact with Liam, Kindergarten team, Speech Therapist, PE teacher, school nurse, principal, and office staff, listening to me while I spoke and showed them diagrams. They have handled his episodes amazingly well. He is in good hands there.

But the emotional tug-of-war, is real. I am overwhelmed, sad, stressed to the max, worried, frustrated, and many other things depending on the moment. But I am grateful beyond description for knowledgeable and caring doctors and the technology and safe medical practices that we have available here. I go back and forth between these 2 sets of emotions. Sometimes I am ok and sometimes I am not. I totally fake it. I have an extremely difficult time letting people in and confiding. I smile and pretend that everything is fine and we are so lucky and blessed, and we are, it's just that I don't feel only that way all the time. We have had many surgeries and trials of health and I worry that people have labeled us as "people with sick kids". I have been told supportive things and mean things. Once after a very difficult pregnancy loss a neighbor actually said, "Maybe if you were a better mom God would not have taken your baby away".  I was speechless. How could someone think like that, let alone say it out loud? There are many "before and "after" moments in your life and that pregnancy loss was a defining moment in my life. And unfortunately no matter how many wonderful people have come into my life, that one stupid comment has haunted me. I second guess myself all the time. I look at Facebook and see everything that I am not. I tend to keep to myself which is painfully lonely sometimes. Life is so hard, harder than I ever could have imagined. Someone recently said, "you haven't learned what you were supposed to learn, that is why you keep having these trials." Really? I think our mortal bodies are imperfect and we get sick. I don't think my Heavenly Father is punishing me for not "getting" some lesson by making my kids sick or have syndromes. I know that people mean well. But off remarks that try to rationalize and make sense of things hurt, they don't help. I will gladly take a hug any day or just a sincere "how are you today?".